07 Jan I have my life back now
Growing up I was disconnected from my family – I felt I’d been let down, abandoned by the very ones who were meant to be my world. I was sent to live with my Aunt and her family. The joy and togetherness they shared only served to show what I could have had; instead I felt I was handed frustration and sadness. Life always felt cold back then.
School wasn’t a respite from the cold. I was able to focus on my studies and cast my mind elsewhere. However, lunchtimes and after school were a battleground – bullied daily, picked on for being different, never fitting in, despite trying with every inch of myself.
I gave up. Life became a constant stream of anger, coldness, bitterness. But now I realise that what I most felt was fear, – terrified that there was no hope, sometimes wishing that maybe just maybe the troubles tomorrow bring might finally be enough to end this little life of mine.
I thought to myself, “I need walls, to close up everything”. No entry for the troubles of tomorrow but neither for any love. No exit for the fleeting moments of joy and happiness but neither for the pain, anger and frustration. Always thinking, “Is this all there is for me? Was this the life I was born to live?” I stumbled through school, into sixth form, the bitterness and anger turning into depression. University was just to be another extension of the misery, but I somehow came to church, and here I am now at the beginning of a new story.
I see now that God was with me, through the taunting and bullying, through the bitterness and depression; holding me up when I felt I couldn’t go on, urging me forward. Every single step which I thought led to more misery, ultimately led me to Jesus. Pretty sure this is the gospel, that even in the direst of situations there is hope, and His name is Jesus. Sure it may be hard to see Him, but He’s there fighting for you, moving mountains and halting storms so that you may one day come to know who He is and, in turn, who He has made you to be.