20 Jan From the depths of rejection, to knowing worth
I married at 16 and had two little girls. My husband constantly had affairs and was extremely violent, and abused me in many different ways. At 22 years old I escaped his clutches, went into hiding and had three different attempts made on my life. I got in with a group of friends that introduced me to smoking pot; this seemed to numb the pain and ease the feelings of rejection and worthlessness.
In my desperate search for love I married again four years later. This marriage broke down one year after my son was born, due to violence. To deaden the feelings of rejection, failure and worthlessness, I leant more and more on drugs, and mixed in circles of friends doing the same. I was a part of the rave scene and used to only really feel free and at peace when I was under the influence of ecstasy, cocaine and dancing on a club floor.
One Christmas I got all my children looked after and made an attempt on my life. A friend, who was meant to be spending Christmas with their family, called in to see me on the off chance, found me and took me to hospital. I felt that I was of no use to anyone and that my children would be better off if I was not alive. I felt completely unlovable and rejected; I felt like a complete failure. I was in the most darkest, loneliest place with no hope.
I went straight back out onto the club scene and was even more self-destructive. One night I was raped; this confirmed all the negative feelings I had developed about myself and caused me even more pain that I needed to heal myself of.
The night things began to change for me, I was in a night club in London. A friend gave me a handful of ecstasy pills to take through out the night. I was buying a drink to take the pills with when a song came on in the club, singing about God; it said, “You’ve got the love I need to see me through”. This sent my head into a spin. I began to look at myself and what I was doing. I never took the pills, I went home. The following day the girlfriend of the guy that had given me the pills called me to say he had died – his death was due to the ecstasy pills. God had saved me again from death. I went along to a Christian concert at the Guildhall and gave my life to the Lord.
Being in God’s presence has completely changed my life. I am free from any grip that drugs had on me. Now I know my value as one of God’s children. I have a loving husband and five fantastic children; I have grandchildren and am loved and respected by my family, friends and people that work with me. God has given me so much – too much to mention. I am not lonely or worthless, I am loved and happy and successful in life.
I owe it all to God.