07 Jan Battling destructive behaviour
Useless, rubbish, failure, constant abuse inside my head. I couldn’t even say that I hated myself because I literally saw myself as nothing, not even worth hating. Every day was just a period of time that had to pass before the next day, an endless drudge of just getting through. I developed coping mechanisms, negative behaviours that were physically harming me.
I had to walk away from those behaviours, because although it felt as if they were keeping me safe, in reality they were killing me. I was so trapped by lies that changing my destructive behaviour felt as if it was giving up the only thing of value I had ever achieved.
Making the changes was the hardest thing I have experienced. Every day there were so many battles. I had to choose life, yet there was so much of me that didn’t want to do that; the darkness seemed so safe and familiar. So many times I decided to retreat. But however much I wanted to, there was always something stopping me. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, but now I know it was God keeping me going; although I wanted to give up, He never gave up on me.
God provided me with amazing people who spoke truth into my life. They saw in me what I previously couldn’t see in myself – beauty, strength, potential that God planned and prepared for me before the beginning of time. I learnt that I have a choice, to believe my feelings or to believe what God, the Creator of the universe, says about me. That choice may not always be easy, but I thank God for the transformation He has brought about so far, and trust that He will continue working in me to bring about greater things.