Close to suicide

I was brought up in Australia until the age of 10, and during that time I went to church with my parents, attending youth groups and activities with my friends. I always believed that you went to heaven if you were a good person and I thought that I was ok.

My family returned to the UK, I made friends, and my family had a busy social life. My parents decided they wanted to find a church and get involved like they had in Australia. They found a local Elim church, and we started to go there. After a few weeks I felt an inner desire to find out more about being a Christian. I made an initial commitment and got involved in the life of the church. But did I really feel that God was close? I’m not sure, really. I liked the social side of the church, and had friends and activities going on all the time.

By the time I was 18 I knew all the right things to say, but deep down I felt alone and unloved. My parents were going through a difficult time and as an only child I couldn’t talk to them. I went to my church youth leader and other prominent people, but no one had time for me. I became more and more isolated, and feelings of desperation started to affect how I felt about myself and those around me. I decided that the best way out was suicide.

I made the decision that on a particular Friday night, when my parents were asleep, that I was going to kill myself. Not wanting to draw attention by my absence I decided I would attend the youth meeting that night first. All through the meeting I kept thinking about what was going to happen later. The end of the meeting was approaching, and the speaker asked for all heads to be bowed, and eyes closed, while he prayed. I hadn’t listened all evening but obeyed the request along with others. He then said that there was someone in the meeting that was going home to commit suicide, but God wanted them to know that He understood all about me and how I felt. I suddenly realised that he was talking about me! No one else knew this stuff. The leader then asked for that person to look at him. I felt that God thought enough of me to interrupt my thoughts, the least I could do was respond. The leader acknowledged my look and smiled at me. I met with him afterwards, and he shared Psalm 139 with me. This was the first time I really felt that God knew everything about me, and that meant that He loved me despite of all of that.

I made the conscious decision that night that I would always have time for others and never fob them off because I was too busy. Have I stuck to that? I try to! Is my life easy now? No! I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, despite being confident in my abilities.
When I feel alone I read Psalm 139 and remember that night. This helps me to put things into perspective and continue my personal journey with my Lord and Saviour by my side.

Rachel